Valentine’s Day isn’t all about sweet nothings and romantic gestures—sometimes, it’s the perfect occasion for a little sass and sarcasm! If you’d rather roast your Valentine than toast them, you’re in the right place.

We’ve rounded up over 240 rude, cheeky, and downright hilarious Valentine’s jokes to make your celebration funnier (and maybe a little meaner).

Whether you’re single, taken, or somewhere in between, these jokes will guarantee laughs, eye-rolls, and maybe even a little side-eye from your special someone.

Savage Love Jokes to Make Cupid Cry

Sometimes love stings, and these jokes prove it! Perfect for those who think romance is overrated—or just want to add a little bite to the sweetness.

• “Are you a Valentine’s card? Because I’d rather leave you unread.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue… I was ghosted, and so were you!”
• “You must be made of copper and tellurium… because you Cu-Te, but also kinda toxic.”
• “Are you a candlelit dinner? Because I’d rather eat alone.”
• “You’re like my WiFi signal… weak and disappointing.”
• “You must be a magician… because every time I need you, you disappear.”
• “I got you a box of chocolates… but then I realized you’re already full of crap.”
• “If love is blind… then what’s your excuse for texting your ex?”
• “I’d agree to be your Valentine… but I have a strict no-charity policy.”
• “You’re the peanut butter to my jelly… if the peanut butter was expired.”
• “Are you my New Year’s resolution? Because I gave up on you weeks ago.”
• “Our love is like my phone battery… draining faster than I expected.”
• “Cupid must have hit me with an arrow… straight to the friend zone.”
• “Are you a love song? Because I can’t get you out of my head, and it’s annoying.”
• “If we were on a dating app… I’d still be swiping left.”
• “You remind me of my car’s check engine light… always on when I don’t need you.”
• “You’re like a Valentine’s rose… overpriced and kind of a hassle.”
• “Are you a candle? Because you burn me every time I get close.”
• “I wanted to write you a love poem… but I ran out of reasons.”

Breakup-Ready Zingers to Keep It Real

Some people get chocolates, others get dumped. These jokes are for the ones who prefer brutal honesty over sappy romance.

• “I was going to get you a Valentine’s gift… but then I remembered you’re the worst.”
• “You’re like a heart-shaped box of chocolates… looks good on the outside, but full of disappointment.”
• “Our relationship is like my socks… full of holes and missing its pair.”
• “Love is in the air… must be time to change the filter.”
• “Are you my last relationship? Because I’m still recovering from the trauma.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue… I’d rather date my WiFi than deal with you.”
• “You’re like a greeting card from my grandma… I appreciate the effort, but I don’t need you.”
• “You must be a parking ticket… because you’ve been a fine mess since day one.”
• “If you were a vegetable… you’d be a bitter melon.”
• “You and my phone charger have one thing in common… neither of you work when I need you most.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue… we’re both single, so let’s pretend we’re cool.”
• “You’re like a long-distance relationship… exhausting and pointless.”
• “If you were any colder… I’d mistake you for my ex’s heart.”
• “Love is like a game of chess… and I’m tired of being played.”
• “You must be a bad joke… because no one’s laughing anymore.”
• “I’d send you a Valentine’s card… but the trash can is full.”
• “You and my ex have something in common… I regret both of you.”
• “Our love is like a WiFi connection… unstable and easily replaced.”
• “You’re like Valentine’s candy… unnecessary and overly sweet.”

Single and Loving It—Jokes for the Unattached

Who needs romance when you have freedom, peace, and the ability to eat all the pizza without sharing?

• “Valentine’s Day? More like… Discount Chocolate Eve!”
• “I love being single… because now I only have to disappoint myself.”
• “Being single is great… no in-laws, no drama, and unlimited bed space!”
• “Couples call it Valentine’s Day… I call it ‘Third-Wheel Awareness Day’.”
• “I like my relationships like I like my coffee… nonexistent and saving me money.”
• “Being single on Valentine’s Day means… no fake smiles over bad gifts!”
• “My Valentine’s date is my couch… and at least it won’t leave me on read.”
• “I was going to flirt with someone… but then I remembered I love my peace.”
• “Why buy a fancy dinner for two… when I can have extra fries for one?”
• “Valentine’s Day is just… capitalism in a heart-shaped box.”
• “I love myself enough to be my own Valentine… and I come with zero drama.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue… I’d rather eat tacos than cuddle with you.”
• “I don’t need a Valentine… I have a perfectly good relationship with my snacks.”
• “Being single means… no forced romantic comedies!”
• “Couples celebrate Valentine’s Day… I celebrate ‘No Awkward Small Talk Day’.”
• “The only bouquet I need… is a fried chicken bouquet.”
• “If being single is wrong… I don’t want to be right!”
• “Single life is great… until you have to kill a spider alone.”
• “Valentine’s Day plans? Yep, avoiding restaurants at all costs.”
• “Why share a dessert? I’ll take two, thanks.”

Dark Humor for the Anti-Romantics

Not everyone is a fan of love, and that’s totally valid. These jokes bring the shade.

• “Roses are red, violets are blue… if you leave me on read, I’ll ghost you too.”
• “I thought love was blind… but then I saw my ex.”
• “Cupid must have hit me… with a brick instead of an arrow.”
• “I asked my heart what it wanted… it said ‘therapy’.”
• “Love is patient, love is kind… but I am neither.”
• “If you were my soulmate… I’d start believing in reincarnation.”
• “Valentine’s Day is great… if you like disappointment in a heart-shaped box.”
• “Are you a romantic dinner? Because I’d rather skip you.”
• “I’d wish you a happy Valentine’s Day… but I’d be lying.”
• “If love is a battlefield… I’m waving the white flag.”

Love Stinks—And So Do These Jokes!

Not feeling the romance this Valentine’s Day? No worries! Love can be messy, awkward, and downright ridiculous—so why not embrace it with a few jokes that highlight the funnier, stinkier side of relationships? These puns prove that love isn’t always roses… sometimes, it’s just a pile of wilted flowers and bad perfume.

• “Love is in the air… must be why I’m holding my breath.”
• “You’re like a cheap Valentine’s card… barely holding it together.”
• “Are you a candlelit dinner? Because I’d rather eat in the dark.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue… I pretend to like you, but I really don’t do.”
• “Are you a bouquet of flowers? Because you make me sneeze—and cry.”
• “My love for you is like my WiFi signal… weak and barely holding on.”
• “Are we a couple? Because I feel trapped.”
• “If love was an Olympic sport… I’d be disqualified for not showing up.”
• “Are you a love letter? Because I’m about to tear you apart.”
• “If our relationship were a song… it’d be stuck on repeat, and I hate it.”
• “Valentine’s Day is like an overripe banana… mushy, messy, and best avoided.”
• “Are you Cupid? Because I think you just stabbed me in the back.”
• “You’re like Valentine’s candy… unnecessary and way too sweet.”
• “If love is blind… then why do I keep seeing red flags?”
• “Are you a box of chocolates? Because you’re full of surprises—and none of them good.”
• “Our relationship is like expired milk… started off okay, but now it just stinks.”
• “Are you a Valentine’s Day dinner? Because I can’t afford you.”
• “Love is patient, love is kind… but I’m neither, so goodbye.”
• “Are you my soulmate? Because I think we need a refund.”
• “If love is a battlefield… then I surrender.”

Valentine’s Day for the Hopelessly Single

Not everyone is living their rom-com fantasy on February 14th, and that’s perfectly fine. Being single means more time, more freedom, and, most importantly, not having to share your food! These jokes are for everyone enjoying their solo life without the Valentine’s Day drama.

• “Valentine’s Day is for couples… and my couch is my soulmate.”
• “Being single on Valentine’s Day is great… because I don’t have to pretend to like bad gifts.”
• “Love is in the air… too bad I’m inside avoiding it.”
• “You know what’s better than romance? Pizza.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue… my Valentine is Netflix, how about you?”
• “Why spend money on a date… when I could spend it on tacos?”
• “Valentine’s Day means nothing to me… just like my last relationship.”
• “I’d rather be alone… than pretend to like someone’s bad cooking.”
• “Couples have Valentine’s Day… I have ‘Buy One Get One Free’ desserts!”
• “Being single is like a vacation… no baggage!”
• “Who needs a partner… when I have unlimited snacks?”
• “Valentine’s Day? More like… an excuse to wear pajamas all day.”
• “Roses are red, chocolates are sweet… but this extra blanket is my real treat!”
• “I’m single because I love myself… and because dating is exhausting.”
• “Why spend Valentine’s Day with someone? I’m already dating my bed.”
• “Cupid must have skipped me… but honestly, I’m okay with that.”
• “My love life is like a rom-com… except without the romance or comedy.”
• “If being single is wrong… I don’t want to be right!”
• “Valentine’s Day is just another Wednesday… with extra heart emojis.”
• “The only heart I want on Valentine’s Day… is a heart-shaped pizza.”

Love Is A Joke—So Let’s Roast It!

Valentine’s Day is supposed to be all about romance, but let’s be real—it’s also full of awkward moments, cringey gifts, and questionable declarations of love. If you think Cupid needs a reality check, these savage jokes will keep you entertained.

• “Roses are red, violets are blue… my love life is nonexistent, how about you?”
• “Love at first sight? More like regret at first date.”
• “Are you a romance movie? Because I can already tell you’re going to be disappointing.”
• “If love was a test… I’d be failing.”
• “Valentine’s Day is just capitalism… wrapped in a heart-shaped lie.”
• “Are you my soulmate? Because I think we need a break.”
• “Cupid really needs to fix his aim… because I’m dodging arrows left and right.”
• “Love is great and all… until someone starts snoring.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue… love makes no sense, and neither do you.”
• “If love was a math equation… I’d drop out.”
• “Valentine’s Day is like a magic trick… full of illusions and disappointment.”
• “Are you my ex? Because I feel like I’m making the same mistake again.”
• “Relationships are like phone batteries… great at first, but eventually, they die.”
• “Cupid must be on vacation… because love is nowhere to be found.”
• “If love is a battlefield… then I’m waving the white flag.”
• “Are you a bouquet of roses? Because you look nice, but you’re full of thorns.”
• “Love is patient, love is kind… but I’m neither, so let’s move on.”
• “My love for you is like my diet… nonexistent.”
• “Are you a Valentine’s gift? Because I want a refund.”
• “If relationships are work… then I’m taking the day off.”

Anti-Valentine’s Day: Because Love is Overrated

Not everyone wants to celebrate romance, and honestly, that’s understandable. If you’re all about skipping the sappy stuff and laughing at love instead, these jokes will make February 14th way more fun.

• “Valentine’s Day? More like ‘National Buy Your Own Chocolate’ Day.”
• “Love is like a rollercoaster… fun at first, then it makes you sick.”
• “Cupid is just a toddler with a weapon… and honestly, that explains a lot.”
• “If love was a song… it’d be off-key and too long.”
• “Are you my ex? Because I’d rather not see you today.”
• “Why fall in love? I trip over my own feet already.”
• “Roses are red, love is fake… let’s just eat cake.”
• “Valentine’s Day is just an excuse… to make single people feel bad.”
• “My relationship status? Avoiding heartbreak at all costs.”
• “Love is blind… which explains my last relationship.”
• “I’d rather be single… than deal with ‘good morning’ texts every day.”
• “If love was a game… I’d hit the ‘quit’ button.”
• “Valentine’s Day is like a horror movie… full of bad decisions.”
• “Why date when I can just… scroll memes in peace?”
• “My type? The ‘not interested’ type.”
• “Relationships are like WiFi… unstable and always cutting out.”
• “Are you Cupid? Because I think you missed.”
• “Love is great and all… until someone leaves hair in the sink.”
• “If love was an award… I’d never win it.”
• “I don’t need a Valentine… I have a good night’s sleep instead!”

Love Hurts—But These Jokes Hurt More!

Love is supposed to be all rainbows and butterflies, but let’s be honest—sometimes it’s just a rollercoaster of bad decisions and regret. If you’ve ever sent a risky text, fallen for the wrong person, or just wondered why Cupid hates you, these jokes will hit close to home.

• “Are you my ex? Because I’d love to delete you from my history.”
• “Love is like my diet… nonexistent and full of excuses.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue… I thought love was real, but so was my ex’s ‘I love you’.”
• “Are you my last relationship? Because I’d rather not talk about it.”
• “Cupid must have used a boomerang arrow… because love just keeps coming back to hit me.”
• “If love is patient and kind… then I’m clearly doing it wrong.”
• “Are you a Valentine’s card? Because I want to toss you in the trash.”
• “Love at first sight? More like regret at first text.”
• “I thought I found my soulmate… turns out, I found a red flag with a pulse.”
• “Are you a romantic dinner? Because I’m losing my appetite just thinking about it.”
• “If relationships were a test… I’d be failing every subject.”
• “Are you a teddy bear? Because you look cute, but deep down, you’re full of stuffing.”
• “My love life is like a WiFi signal… weak, unstable, and barely working.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue… dating is stressful, so I’ll just date food.”
• “You remind me of a bad date… awkward and best forgotten.”
• “Love is like my sleep schedule… all over the place and never working out.”
• “Are you a love song? Because I can’t get you out of my head, and it’s annoying.”
• “Being in love is great… until you realize it’s just expensive disappointment.”
• “You and my bank account have something in common… both empty after Valentine’s Day.”
• “Love is a fairytale… and I’m stuck in the horror story version.”

Romance is Overrated—So Let’s Roast It!

Valentine’s Day is marketed as the ultimate day of love, but let’s be honest: it’s also overpriced dinners, weird gifts, and unrealistic expectations. If you’d rather make fun of love than celebrate it, these jokes are perfect for you!

• “Are you a Valentine’s gift? Because I didn’t ask for you.”
• “Love is like a subscription… expensive and hard to cancel.”
• “Roses are red, chocolates are sweet… this relationship is something I’d rather delete.”
• “You must be my ex’s promises… because you don’t hold up.”
• “If love is blind… then why do I keep seeing red flags?”
• “Cupid must have hit me with a spoon… because love feels pretty dull.”
• “Our love is like my bank account… barely surviving.”
• “I wanted a candlelit dinner… but now I just want to burn this date to the ground.”
• “Are you a box of chocolates? Because you looked good on the outside, but you’re mostly disappointing inside.”
• “Relationships are like movies… great trailers, bad endings.”
• “Are you my soulmate? Because I think we need a refund.”
• “Valentine’s Day? More like ‘National Buy Your Own Chocolate’ Day.”
• “If love was a TV show… it would be a never-ending drama series.”
• “Being single is great… no bad gifts, no bad dates, and all my money stays with me!”
• “I’d fall for you… but gravity already does enough damage in my life.”
• “If love is a battlefield… I’m taking the emergency exit.”
• “Valentine’s Day is just capitalism… wrapped in red and pink lies.”
• “Love is patient, love is kind… but I have none of those qualities, so goodbye.”
• “Are you a candle? Because this relationship is about to burn out.”
• “My love life is like my fridge… full of old stuff that should have been thrown out years ago.”

Heartbreak Hotel—Checking In For Laughs

Love isn’t always forever, and sometimes it crashes and burns before dessert is even served. If you’ve ever been ghosted, dumped, or just had a truly awful date, these jokes will turn your heartbreak into humor.

• “You’re like my phone charger… never there when I need you most.”
• “If love is a puzzle… I think I lost some pieces.”
• “I’d text my ex for Valentine’s Day… but I don’t speak ghost.”
• “Are you my last date? Because I regret meeting you.”
• “Love is like a horror movie… full of bad decisions and screaming.”
• “If we were in a relationship… I’d still be looking for the exit.”
• “Are you a romantic dinner? Because I already lost my appetite.”
• “My love life is like my gym membership… I pay for it, but I never use it.”
• “If love is a rollercoaster… I think I want to get off now.”
• “Roses are red, love is dead… and honestly, I’m fine with that.”
• “Our love story? More like a horror flick.”
• “If love was a warranty… I’d be returning you immediately.”
• “You must be a lost package… because I’m not sure if you were ever meant for me.”
• “Are you my soulmate? Because I think the universe made a typo.”
• “Being single is great… no stress, no drama, and my snacks stay mine.”
• “My Valentine’s date is my couch… and at least it won’t cheat on me.”
• “If you were a Valentine’s gift… I’d be requesting a refund.”
• “Cupid must be playing a prank… because this love life is a joke.”
• “Love is like my favorite TV show… cancelled too soon.”
• “If I had a dollar for every failed romance… I’d be on a yacht, alone and happy!”

Love is Dead—But These Jokes Are Alive and Kicking!

Not everyone is swooning over roses and chocolates—some of us are just here for the laughs (and discounted candy on February 15th). If you’re rolling your eyes at sappy love stories and mushy romance, these darkly hilarious jokes will be your perfect match.

• “Roses are red, violets are blue… love makes no sense, and neither do you.”
• “If love was a candle… I’d blow it out immediately.”
• “Cupid must be a bad marksman… because he keeps hitting all the wrong people.”
• “Are you a love letter? Because I want to return you to sender.”
• “Valentine’s Day is just Halloween… but for bad decisions.”
• “My heart is like my phone screen… cracked and barely holding on.”
• “Love is in the air… but so is pollen, and I’m allergic to both.”
• “Are you a romantic dinner? Because this whole thing is leaving me with a bad taste.”
• “If love was a movie… I’d give it zero stars.”
• “Are you my soulmate? Because I think I swiped left on you already.”
• “Our relationship is like expired milk… started off fine, but now it’s just sour.”
• “If love is blind… I must be invisible.”
• “Cupid needs glasses… because he clearly can’t see who should be together.”
• “Are you a bouquet of flowers? Because I’d rather see you wilt.”
• “If love was a diet… I’d be breaking it daily.”
• “Relationships are like WiFi signals… great at first, then they slowly fade away.”
• “You remind me of my favorite song… I used to love you, but now I skip every time.”
• “Love is patient, love is kind… but I’m neither, so goodbye!”
• “Valentine’s Day is for couples… and my couch is my true soulmate.”
• “Are you a teddy bear? Because you look cute, but I know you’re full of stuffing.”

Red Flags & Broken Hearts—Jokes for the Love-Weary

Love isn’t always about candlelit dinners and sweet words—sometimes it’s about ignoring red flags until they smack you in the face. If you’ve ever fallen for a walking disaster, these jokes will help you laugh through the regret.

• “Are you my ex? Because I see red flags everywhere.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue… if you’re texting your ex, you need therapy too.”
• “Are you a Valentine’s Day card? Because I’d rather leave you unread.”
• “Love is a scam… and I refuse to subscribe.”
• “If love was a business… I’d be filing for bankruptcy.”
• “Are you a bad date? Because I can’t wait to forget you.”
• “My heart is like a fire alarm… always going off at the wrong time.”
• “Love songs lied to me… now I just listen to crime podcasts.”
• “Relationships are like gym memberships… expensive, exhausting, and rarely used.”
• “If love was an investment… I’d be deep in debt.”
• “Cupid is just a toddler with a weapon… and I refuse to be his next target.”
• “Are you my soulmate? Because I think we need a recall.”
• “I’d buy you a Valentine’s gift… but I don’t believe in charity.”
• “Our love story is like a horror movie… full of mistakes and bad choices.”
• “Are you a romantic dinner? Because I want this to end early.”
• “Love is like my house plants… I forget about it until it dies.”
• “If relationships were classes… I’d be failing.”
• “Love is like a rollercoaster… fun at first, then it just makes you sick.”
• “Are you my last relationship? Because I’m still recovering from the trauma.”
• “Roses are red, violets are blue… I love myself way more than you.”

Share the Laughter (or the Eye-Rolls!)

Valentine’s Day doesn’t have to be all mushy—sometimes, a little sarcasm makes it way more fun! Whether you’re roasting your date, teasing your single friends, or just having a laugh, these rude Valentine’s jokes are perfect for the occasion. Share them, enjoy them, and remember: love is temporary, but a good joke is forever!